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I’ve often wondered if I have what it takes to survive in the wild alone. Obviously the answer depends upon whether we’re talking about the savannas of Africa or the backwoods of Georgia. Each has its own vicious predators, to be sure. But my odds would be better against the African ones with teeth.

But, if I just walked right off into the Colorado or Alaska mountains in summertime and kept going until I was out of most hikers’ range, could I forage and hunt for enough food to survive the winter, using only a buck knife to start?

I’m no Bear Grylls, that’s for sure: I’d rather die of slow starvation than eat the ass out of a decomposed moose. I could probably handle bugs though…as long as I didn’t give them all names first. And I don’t think I’d have a problem killing a deer or a bunny, either — in principle, anyway, if not in actual practice.

I once had the idea that I could trap some living rabbits and pen them up in a cave; then every day all I’d have to do is gather enough carrots and other plants to keep them happy and extremely horny — and eat their fat little kids.

Not that I would ever roast the kids on a spit while they were still young, you understand. In fact I’d probably wait until they’d made some grandbunnies of their own — even allow quality time for some generational bonding so that even the littlest would always have those memories to hold onto for a few more weeks until their time was up too.

Naturally I’d be rolling in bunny fur — able to make all the bed quilts, warm moccasins, and oven mits I could use. So cold winters wouldn’t be that big an issue. I’d just have to figure out how to store the rabbits’ food through those long, dreary, snowy months…

Well maybe I could just raise and smoke-dry so many rabbits during the warmer months that I could feed myself sticks of rabbit jerky all winter long. Then I’d just have to catch a couple more rabbits in the spring! Problem solved.

Mountain men are such drama queens.

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