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Am I the only one occasionally struck by the abject horror of having to kill and eat animals or plants in order to feed a body and survive another day? Was that a yes?

Seriously, though, what kind of a rigged existence is this? I can’t call myself faultless when I daily put salt and ketchup on formerly-living beings. Yet thus we must — or they taste too bland.

Vegans would argue we could all feed ourselves on harvested plants — without killing anything. But clearly they have no firsthand knowledge of the gas veggies give me. In fact, these very same plasmas of methane and sulphur — as the scientific community has already proven — cause the melting of the ice caps.

Thus, when I eat the cows, the pigs, the chickens and the sheep, I save our fragile planet by limiting their dangerous outputs and my own.